Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just invented taco cereal.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
