my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
