Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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