We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
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I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
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Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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