Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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