I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
