My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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