i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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