I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
