My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I enjoy the company of your penis
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