just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My vagina is officially offended.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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