So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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