Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
