she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
