is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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