I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
my poor anus
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
