drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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