i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
