I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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