Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
