I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
