You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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