I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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