Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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