I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The uberlube is also flammable
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
