i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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