hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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