A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
