Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
