New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
