Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
