cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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