there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
