I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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