I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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