All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
