how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
