It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
