gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
