apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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