As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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