you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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