hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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