Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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