They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
