Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
