Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
