she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
