I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i think i just lost a toe
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
