then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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