im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
