im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
