I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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