I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Found your dick twin last night
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
