My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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