I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
