so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
