How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
