her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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