I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
